The Hair Wars
by K.M. Star
Summary: This is what we call a badfic. More to the point, it's what's called a GOOD badfic, featuring characters from... Um.... I everywhere? Half OCs, half mainstream, perverse versions from a dozen sources, we've got TG TF AR AP altered preferences and more.
1. Prologue

General Picard stared at the map, plotting out the battle ahead and figuring out his next move, methodically filtering through his options. He had always known it wouldn't be an easy war, of course - not with the story book worlds split between them. But it was a war he had to win, if he hoped to regain his honor. This war was beyond his hands, beyond any man's hands. This war… was the war… to wage all wars…

Oh, he regretted of course - one always ended up regretting the deaths they caused, once it was too late to do differently. But the lines were drawn, the war was set, Wolverine had shaved, and Piccard sure as hell wasn't the one to turn him back now.

Besides, that dratted captain Kirk needed a good head shave.

Captain Kirk stood tall, his chest puffed out wide, his hair falling in luxurious locks down to his shoulder. "I am the captain!" he declared, spinning to the nameless red shirt besides him.

"I believe that's captain Morgan's line, sir," muttered the man, smiling nervously as he lifted the old fashioned clip board to hide his face. Old, tough, and clumsy - but all the better to hide from Piccard with.

"I am still the captain!"

"As you say sir," Red smiled, swallowing a little as he tried to figure out his chances for a run to the door.

"I - the Captain! - must now know how the hair spell goes!"

"It goes well, sir."

"The captain is pleased!" Kirk grinned, his face lighting up with child like joy as he fondled the inside of his pants.

"Yes sir," nodded Red, doing his best not to stare at the bulge quickly growing. "May I go now, sir?" he asked, wincing as Kirk looked over his head. The captain never took requests when he got that look in his eyes.

"The Captain will now have woman!"

"They're all hiding from you, sir," smiled Red, slowly beginning to back away from the train wreck in the making.

"The captain will now have you turned into a woman."

"…Sir?" he asked, hand pausing at the knob, cursing himself for being an idiot. He should have made the run sooner.'

"Grow breasts, man!" demanded star fleet's most beloved captain, his hands groping at the air, wide enough that Red didn't want to even contemplate the cup size being asked of him.

"With all do respect, sir," whispered the aide, brushing a strand of brown hair from his eyes. "Hell no."

The captain stared back for a moment, unflinching Red's hand darted down to make sure the Captain hadn't been doing anything naughty. "…The captain will now turn gay."

Red just blinked, suddenly more worried than ever when he found his manhood still intact, the jeans tight against his questing fingers.

"The captain demands you bring him Legolas!"

"Sir," managed Red, half choking. "I don't think he's gay…"

"The captain declares one does not have to be a gay elf to love the captain!" pronounced the man, his foot slamming into a chair as he leaned forward. "For the captain is awesome! And besides, have you seen that man's hair? It's freakin' gorgeous, dude! He's practically a girl!"

"Sir?" offered Red. "You stopped saying captain."

"The captain has done no such thing! Now go bring me the man-flesh that looks womanly."

"…Yes, sir," sighed Red, opening the door to walk out.

"Oh, and can you pick me up a coke while you're out there?" added Kirk, forcing the man to turn from his escape.

"Diet?"

"The captain is unconcerned for his figure! …But yes. The captain would be pleased by a diet. With a serving of !"

"Of course sir," sighed the tired aid, the carpet rasping beneath his feet as he walked out again. He didn't bother to turn around as the captain continued his rant, the whitewashed halls a welcome sight after the solid gold paneling inside.

"Hairy doom! Captain Picard shall rue the day he failed to wear the captain's wig, and offended the captain with his baldness!"

"Of course, sir," came the tired reply.

One thing for sure, it was going to be one hell of a war.

(Author's notes!

That's right, this pretentious idiot is actually going to make you LISTEN to him between chapters.

This story, as you've guessed by now... is crazy. I've got star trek from... well... star trek. Wolverine from X men - Hairy potter's gonna be in there, we're gonna see a bit of Bella from twilight, Edward... You don't want to KNOW the things I've got planned. But I certainly hope you'll love to read it!

On a side note, I want to thank a very dear friend of mine, who's a constant source of inspiration. You may know her as Mousey, Mouseycat, Lielac, or even Rowanlief, but whatever you call her, she truly is a great friend, and deserves a portion of they lynching... er... credit. So give her a hug everyone!

...Okay, so all she REALLY does is point, laugh, and grin about my upcoming death at your hands, but come on people! The least you can do is help drag her down with me!)


	2. Chapter 1

Logetta whistled as she worked, her bald head glimmering in the sunlight along with the diamond stud in her ear. She loved this life; loved the feel of her blades sling through hair as she worked, cutting close to the scalp. The way her dress blew between her legs in the breeze, clinging against the well muscled calves and cooling them. Even the beads of sweat that rolled down her neck and across her chest, making her moan in pleasure. She shoved another boy off as she finished her work.

"Hey wolverine," smiled Jean, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"I told you not to call me that," she snarled, irritation pushing aside her happiness at the kiss. "It's Logetta."

"You can put on a dress, hon, but you're not a girl 'til you cut something off and slide something in," sighed the red head, playfully goosing her friend.

"I tried," muttered Logetta. "You stopped me."

"Well, duh!" she laughed, rolling her eyes even as she brushed a bit of flaming hair away from them. "How the hell am I supposed to have hot lesbian sex with you if you come out all ugly and stumpy from doing it yourself?"

"I thought love was supposed to transcend looks," muttered the girl, irritated at being scorned and annoyed at having her work interrupted. The clippers extending from her knuckles vibrated harder as she slashed down again, not even noticing as warm blood splayed against her fingers.

"Puh-leaze," muttered Jean, :That's just what we tell the ugly boys. Or girls, as the case might be." She leaned forward as she spoke, making Logetta grunt in appreciation as she felt the tongue slide into her mouth for a kiss. The boys yelp went unnoticed as the full weight of Logetta's hand descended, the blood pouring outwards non stop, the kiss only breaking off as Jean began to gag..

"eeh-ew! You're like, totally getting blood on my new miniskirt!" she cried, wiping her hands at it in disgust

"Medic?" asked the boy, the gash in his skull dripping blood as he wavered.

Logan ignored him in favor of Jean, glaring at the girl. "Well, maybe if you didn't buy a new miniskirt every day, you'd have less new clothes for me to ruin!"

"And wear what? Old clothes? Ph-lease. You know the arrangement - no sex until you're a hot lesbian, and you get to shred my old clothes whenever I get something better. "

"You could have mentioned how often that would be!" Logetta snapped, long bottled anger pouring out of her.

"You knew what this was," she snorted. "And what do you care? All you need is your clippers and a skirt around your legs, remember!?" she demanded, throwing Logetta's words back in her face.

"It matters because I'd like to have enough money to buy my own clothing?!" she snapped.

"Really? 'Cause I figured you'd just go without once you got the operation." Jean smiled as she spoke, her hand playing across wolverine's chest as she licked her lips

"Don't change the subject," she snarled, spittle flying from between her teeth, as Jean gave her a disgusted look.

"And stop it with the manly habits," the cheer leader muttered, sashaying as she walked away. Her clothes straining to contain her as she turned, shooting a grin backwards. "I said hot lesbian sex - not ugly manly mess."

He snorted, before turning back to his hemorrhaging customer, snarling at the staring crowd around him. "Well!? What are you people waiting for!?" he snapped. "Go get a medic! And pay more attention to your surroundings next time! This is a war zone!"

The battle warred around him, a million miles away. Never touching, never hurting. Always just beyond the periphery. A sword lashed at his face, to be knocked aside by a bullet. A bullet whizzed by his ear to be deflected by a sword. All of it was worthless. All of it was meaningless. All of it was way too dramatic. And all of it, as he let himself reemerge with the world, would go to waste before his might.

He let out the battle cry.

"Yo yo, peeps! D-vader is in teh House!"

"Your presence in this story is entirely illogical!" declared Spock, luxerious hair trailing to the floor around him.

"My presence is going ta logicifally destroy yours, ya hear me, dog? You are going Idown/I! 'Cause the force? it fashizzles!" he announced, light sabre leaping to his hand as it burst forward in red light. "And the blade it just plain old sizzels."

"Your manor of discussion is atrocious, and illogical!" declared Spock, his nose turning upward in disgust. There is no reason to talk like this!"

"Yo, yo man, are you dissing my brain damages? When I shaved the hair, I shaved the logic center, yo – but I can still tell that you're one heck of a ho."

Spock only blinked for a moment, before snarling. "I am male, you buffoon! The captain forces me to wear my hear like this!"

"Well, D-Vader says you need to make a changer. Your logic is a drizzle upon the shizzle that is my life you dismal excuse for a logifying man. My force shall smash your logic, 'cause you are gonna be dyin, 'cause my heart? It is flying, and you are just plain old drying, your skin in the sun, this rhymer's not done, but you died before you got here, your brain's doing thinking, but your heart is a blinking, you know not a word, your voice dies unheard, because you-"

"Fine!" the Vulcan declared, desperate to end it. "I love rainbows! I love puppies! I love butt sex! Just shut the hell up with that mess!"

"TMI Man, TMI!"

"Will you shut up!" Spock yelled, screaming at the top of his lungs as he lunged forward, blaster shooting.

"Ya're taking da rejection all wrong, man. The D just doesn't swing that way, ya here? Ya don't have ta get all stabby."

"We are in a war! We are on opposite sides!"

"I know, man! And it is trippin! Did ya see what they did to Logan?" His voice held the hint of smile that his black mask lacked, his breath hissing in and out.

Spock fired another blast, deflected by the saber this time. "Why. Won't. you. DIE!"

"The D does not die – the D is the king of the live and da ruler of the dead house! I'm like half machinery, dawg! Can I get some applause?"

"No!" came Spock's snarled reply. "You are on the opposite team!"

"Are you sure, dawgette? 'Cause I think you might be making a mistake." His hand disappeared into his cloak, a silvery rectangle withdrawing from the black cloth. He pressed the button – and zapped, the light blasting into Spock and sending him flying as his back thudded into a tree.

"What… what did you do to me, you… you… why did you call me…" he winced, crying out in pain as his chest blossomed, pressure building inside as breasts tore through his skintight cloth. His hair lengthened even further, pooling at the feet, as it grew lighter, turning wavy. The skin paled as the arms and legs grew more delicate, the hair disappearing from his body, as the eyelashes lengthened and the face turned soft. His Adams Apple disappeared, sinking into the flesh even as his manhood did the same, disappearing before he even had a chance to grope for it. She could feel the testes turning to ovaries within, as tears leaked through her eyes. "You… I'm…"

"Now, how about D-vader gets out the little D and gets his loving on!" grinned the man, projecting his hips outward as his arm pumped back.

"Stay- stay away from me!" whispered the new girl, scrambling around the tree on hands and knees.

The man paused, his hand slowly descending as he took a step forward. "Yo, yo, tha's no way to talk, whether ho or no!"

Spock wasn't listening, simply shaking her head as the hair flung back and forth. "Stay away! You're being – you're being –"

"Can't say it, can you dawgette?" the pleasure clear in the voice as the owner took another step forward.

Spock just shook her head, desperate to escape. "I… I'm… I'm… I'm not…"

D-vader took another step, satisfaction radiating from him as Spock tried to get away. "Yo, the D-V's ray's not just form, dawgette! You are da ho! Rainbows, sunshine and lolli's are on your mind, and one's right here in da paaaaaaaaants!"

She scrambled away, lengthened fingernails digging into the soft earth as she backed away, disappearing into the battle as she scrambled to her feet. She ran to her own side on slenderized legs, breasts hanging heavy through the cloth as her butt stuck out and her pants fell down, leaving D-vader to his own little island in the field. As far as she was concerned, he could have it.

Spock ran. Bullets flew, and blades whirled, and electricity sizzled, and someone was yelling "I'm-a-hotti-a!" in the distance – but none but the last touched her, making her pause for a moment before shaking her head and continuing anyway.

She couldn't stop running, the air drifting past her as she cried. Her mind was in turmoil, her heart racing as her breasts moved up and down. She couldn't grip the logic, anymore, couldn't find any sense in what had been done to her. It was as if the walls holding her emotions had been shattered, and behind it was not the earth shattering rage of her – once his – race, but love, devotion… and a great desire to go hump a tree.

"Oh my goddess, I'm an elf," she muttered, before wincing at her own term. She didn't believe in gods. She didn't. She didn't. She didn't. She… she… she… She wanted to pray. She wanted to hump a tree while praying. Instead, she screamed.

She stood in the middle of the battle field and screamed, unnoticed among a field of banshees and transforming werewolves, her own little pocket of madness as she cried to the heavens in terror. Then she began to sing.

"My… what has happened, what has happened to my life?

What has happened, what has happened,. What has happened to make strife?

What has happened in my life, I cry,

What makes me cry my tears,

What makes me yell to the sky,

What makes me feel these fears…

I know my lordship rests so cold,

I know my time is gone…

I know that this does truly suck…"

"So why don't you come here and have a fuck?" shouted Bones, sweeping her off her feet and giving her a kiss.

She screamed into his mouth, the voice muffled against his lips, as his tongue squeezed in. His breath was saturated in alcohol, his tongue slimy and wet inside her as she felt him digging into her bottom. She found herself pulling him in, drowning his mouth in her own as she tore the sweet kisses from him one after another.

He broke free a few minutes later. "Fuck it, lady! I'm a doctor, not an oxygen tank!"

"Bones, it's me –" she whispered, desperate.

"The only bone I've got for you is in the fuckin region, lady," he snarled pushing her closer.

"You're not listening, it's… it's… oooooh…" she whispered, staring at his zipper slid down.

"Plenty of time to listen later," he snorted, drawing a drink as he deftly pulled off his socks with a free hand.

"We're… we're on a battle field…" she whispered, her will power slipping away from her as she stared at the doctor's erect form/

"So use your Elvin magic," he retorted, his pants dropping to the floor with a soft thud, as he moved inside her.

She couldn't seem to protest. She couldn't seem to even think, as he took her to the floor. She could only gasp as the grass grew above them, and the sky was closed in, the roots beneath them pushing them towards one another – into one another, as he kissed her, and she kissed back, and Spock seemed to fly out the window. This strange new body knew what it wanted, and it was getting it.

He filled her to the brim, and she screamed

(Authors notes!

First off -

Star wars (D-Vader) belongs to George Lucas.

X-Men (Wolverine and Jean) belong to Marvel, stan lee, and all that good stuff... Have fun!

Second off - yep. I'm crazy.)


End file.
